she will have been gone three years this sunday
three years

one week after my 18th birthday
three years

i'm still mad that i couldn't keep all her things
i feel like more goes everyday, pieces
i still miss her, i still miss her and i still cry

she is tattooed on me
not that she needed ink to be perminant
i only knew her as grandma
and i loved her as grandma
she's had more impact being gone
than I ever noticed while she was still alive

drift wood, feathers, pinecones
gorillas, wolves, snakes
statues, mac and cheese, cookie bars
yellow mixing bowl, butterfly mugs
paitings, vases, sticks, rings, journals, books

i miss her, i still cry - ache
i still wish ... i still ...

got three birthday cards
one post card
one e-mail
one phone call (too sick for cupcakes)
no co-worker remembered

I got my first turkey
a new jacket
and something yet to be determined by ups
happy birthday to me

I was preparing myself to be disappointed, then thought maybe I should be excited
21, the last great growing up birthday before people make fun of you for being old
my boss was quick to remind me how important a birthday it was after I reminded him that it had already happened, yeah, I know

was going to go sky diving, not in January though
now I can have laser surgery on my eyes, when I have money
got a new license- and remembered my contacts this time
happy birthday to me

I was glad to have Loren
I was lost in the un-excitement
but he was quick to remind me to have fun
and that it was still good, and about me
thank goodness for Loren. and cupcakes